I can't describe exactly what I'm feeling right now. It's at this point that I agree with Irene Fornes when she says that "Words are the Devil." The Devil. And a thing unnamed is inherently different than a thing named... but what's a livejournal post if you can't use words. So here's my attempt to name this thing.
This weekend, I could feel it. I was falling. Falling deep.
Not falling in love, that would be too sublime and beautiful. (And full of agony, but at this point, let's put this that on the shelf).
I was falling into a depression. You see, I've been sleeping on the couch of Apartment 1D for about a month and a half. And at first it was fine, at first it was okay. I hated living out of the suitcase. I hated being a pain in the ass to the girls when they woke up, but it wasn't too bad. It was a roof, it was friendly company, it was a place to sleep.
But the past week or two, it has not been good. I'll be truthful: it's been awful. I bemoaned my lack of privacy, I hated being woken up, I detested feeling like a barnacle, sucking the life out of the apartment. I could feel the venom floating in the air - the annoyance, the disgust, the bitterness - aimed at me. I don't blame them, but it sucked. On all accounts, I think all would agree.
And a living situation that was supposed to occur, never occured. It fell through. And with my love of avoidance, I avoided and pretended as if all was still technicolor in the land of Oz, when I had slammed back into Black and White. The clock was ticking... I was supposed to move out in a few days and I had nothing... But as always, I kept lying. I kept the facade on the outside, and on the inside was a panic.
The worst thing perhaps was its affect on my entire life - school, friends, outlook, everything. I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to do homework, I didn't want to do anything. I was sleeping on the couch in all aspects of my life.
And then I saw a post on Craigslist and I responded. And he responded. And tonight I went up to look at the place. And I won't go on and on here, but it was awesome. I couldn't ask for anything better... well, I could, but where in the hell are you going to get a free Chelsea apartment? They don't just hand those out as samples at the Food Emporium.
And after hanging out with Will for a good two hours, smoking a bowl, and chatting about Greece, London, boys, The Amazing Race, acting, parents and siblings, he offered me the place... He said he had shown it to three or four other people, but I was the first one he offered it to.
So as of this weekend, I won't be sleeping on the couch anymore. I'll have my own bed. And I won't have to go home with a guy to sleep in it.
Ahh, the glories of fate and of life and of the snow.
To top it off, on the walk to the subway, bouncing with glee, I got a call from Julie(who I babysit for) offering me two comp tickets to see her husband, Greg's, show on Broadway - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Wed night. So Megan and I are going to Broadway. We're going to the theatre. For free. (Hey, babe: this is the date I won at the Raffle... or perhaps Date #2? Since I'm providing the tickets, can I get some?)
I don't want to curse my own good fortunes, but don't things supposedly come in threes? I got some great homemade lasagna at Michelle's and I'm wondering if that counts as my third good thing... or perhaps the out of the blue IM tonight that put a smile on my face counts? Or something more?
Here's to the snow. Here's to finding an apartment. Here's to heading on a journey that will have twists and turns. Here's to Bikram. Here's to Broadway. Here's to good friends and even better lovers. Here's to dreams and to wishes and to fantasies, which pull us along, tantalizing and taunting us with their glory and passion.
Here's to the first LiveJournal post since I've been back in NYC this year.