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Back on this Couch [18 May 2005|09:11pm]
Wierd. I just looked up at the clock to see what time it is... 9:11.

Anyway, I'm sitting here in apt 1D on 13th St, waiting, biding my time. Seeing if any of the girls will come back so I can chat and catch up with them. I've been an awful friend to them(they aren't the only ones) and I have a lot of catching up and making up to do.

So much has happened. I don't even know what's going on, where this whole rollercoaster existence of Post-Graduation is leading...


-I passed my test today at Dos Caminos. So I will be on the schedule starting Monday and am trying to pick up shifts for the weekend. It will be fucking exciting to finally be making money and start to feel like I belong there instead of following everyone around like a fucking pansy of a shadow. I'll finally have my own section, my own tables, my own fuck-ups, and my own money. The place is swank. I don't know if any of ya'll have ever been there, but it's a nicer restaurant than I ever frequent. The other night Sarah Chalke - second Becky from Roseanne and Scrubs - came in... Gorgeous, stunningingly beautiful woman. The kids that work there are hugely friendly, and I'm looking forward to a summer-plus there. It's gonna be fun.

-I moved into the new abode in Brooklyn. It's gorgeous. Much too large for Megan and I, so if anyone knows someone that is looking for a place/sublet, we have an extra bedroom. The inside is phenomenal - well after Blobbers and I spent hours and hours cleaning. I've never seen so much dust and dirt and grime in my life. I don't even understand where it all comes from. What were they doing in that apartment? But it's great, minus the lack of a bed. The commute's not awful. Comparable semi to the Heights. Access is quicker to downtown... .going uptown is a bit of a trek... especially to the Heights.

-The Heights. Wow. What a fucking rollercoaster those two months were and continue to be. Jamaal is back, and things are good. I guess the hardest part right now, well the second hardest part... well, the third hardest part is figuring out some sort of equilibrium. I mean, we started hooking up/dating, whatever you want to call it, when he was back only for a week and I was still living up there. So I spent every night with him. And then he went away to Alaska. And we talked on the phone every day, getting to know eachother much better and just chatting. It was a long ass week and I couldn't wait til he came back. And he's back, but now I live in Brooklyn and couldn't be further away from the Heights... so it's a trek and a big decision to go up there. I can't just swing by to say hi. So we, or me at least, are trying to figure out the whole balance of a relationship. I mean, I've only been in one and we all know how fucked up, or just drama filled that one was. That invovled just spending as much time together every night all the time. And I would love to go up to the Heights every night. But I don't want to be pushy or clingy or all that jazz. SO I guess it's just gonna take some time before we figure out the new balance.

And to top it all off, that motherfucker Will is creating the biggest drama. I don't even understand it. Jamaal said he and Will had a good talk last night and Will wants me to IM him/call him... And part of me wants to, part of me wants to see what the fuck he has to say, even though I assume it's going to be negative. But I just want him to get it out, so that we can fucking move past it. But at the same time, he's let me know clearly where he stands and how he feels about me, and I don't really want to play any more mind games. He reminds me of someone else in particular. And also of my father. What is it with crazy men that they love to play headgames and control games and all that shit. Who am I to talk? I play my fair share. But I'm trying not too. I'm trying to be better. And I'm not as crazy as he is. He told Jamaal last night that the only reason he and I are together or seeing eachother is because we know it pisses Will off. We know it bugs Will and so that's why we are continuing this. He thinks the only reason I came over Monday night and waited for Jamaal is because I knew it would bug him and I wanted to get under his skin... Does he really think the whole world revolves around him, and I have to spend so much time and energy figuring out ways to bother him? Jesus. I would be glad if he wasn't there. That's a huge reason of why I dread going up there, is because I really don't want to see him. He doesn't make me feel good and it sucks that to see Jamaal, I have to put myself around that.

So who knows if he is going to get over it. Who knows how this is going to turn out. I still don't know the entirety of their conversation... I have a feeling Will said something to the effect that he liked me or had feelings for me or something. Which is funny because I used to have a crush on him as well. But after all this drama, I'm so glad that nothing ever came about from that and that I never made a move. Jamaal is the complete opposite of that. There's no drama with him. He is completely open and upfront and extremely mentally healthy... wait until he gets to know me and I'm sure he'll go running.

So last night we ended up talking on the phone for a good 5 hours. And I fell asleep on the phone with him. I spilled wax all over the floor and worse, my comforter. I like that kid a lot. And I'm excited to see where things are going. I don't know. But its about fucking time that I had a relationship. I think one of the greatest things about him is the safety I feel... safety in general, saftey in things sexual, but more importantly safety when we talk about things. I know I can tell him what I'm feeling, things I'm going through and he'll listen openly and respond honestly. I don't have too many relationships or friendships where that's true. Especially not these days. So it's refreshing and delightful.

So I've blabbed on too much here... I haven't written on LiveJournal in a long time and thought I should post an update... I've kind of moved most of my writings to blogger - I like the privacy... it's different when you are writing online just for yourself or for an audience... so yeah.

Peace to your mother.
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my day's dictionary [21 Apr 2005|07:50pm]
meth n. Slang

An amine derivative of amphetamine, C10H15N, used in the form of its crystalline hydrochloride as a central nervous system stimulant, both medically and illicitly.

in an illegal manner.

n. pl. broth·ers
A male having the same parents as another or one parent in common with another.
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a single number [20 Apr 2005|08:12pm]

also equals

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co-equally titled: "i feel the earth move under my feet" & "i don't know what to do with myself" [13 Apr 2005|12:57am]
If I could turn back time, and figure out a way.
I'd learn all I could about boys.

If I had a release that wasn't a performance,
I'd spill it all out.

If I had all the answers,
I'd keep them to myself.

Am I broken, or are my batteries dead?
Was I faulty, covered by manufacturer's warranty?
Am I outdated or ahead of my time?

What does GAY stand for?
Got Aids Yet?

The penetant man will pass,
and that's all.

How did I let this happen? This all?

I'm going to get my heartbroken.
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a thought that i had elsewhere but ive decided to transfer here [04 Apr 2005|11:19pm]
perhaps we aren't supposed to get that apartment.

yeah, it was pretty. and there were some really fucking amazing things about it...

but what i keep thinking is that i loved the kitcen color. i loved the bathroom. there's nothing i would do to change it. i loved their entire decorating scheme.

and if we got that apartment, id love it all.

but it wouldn't be OUR apartment. it wouldn't be OUR kitchen color, OUR bathroom, OUR decorating sheme.

it wouldn't be OUR pretty apartment, but the two gay guys who lived here before us - didn't they do a good job?

i want US to create an apartment that we love and that WE created. that when we move out of it, the people touring are like PRETTY APARTMENT.

chew on that bone. \

OUR bone
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quickly... [18 Mar 2005|08:14am]
ahh my sister...

and the guy from gay and lesbian!??!?

and some guy wants me to support some guy for mayor... yawn.

ahh my sister.
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sing it hediwg [15 Mar 2005|03:26am]

on nights like this

when the world's amiss

and the lights go down

across the trailer park

i get down, i feel sad...


that sung, i have to say... if you told me four years ago that i would be living in washington heights in dominican republic land living with a gay guy and a girl that i met off the internet... and taking bikram yoga almost every day and good friends with a male gay couple...


i don't think i would have believed you

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It's funny how life goes [08 Mar 2005|02:25am]
there's so much, too much to speak of to write, right now...

There are moments in your life, where all of a sudden, things change like no other... going to new york was one. going to london was one of those things.

moving to washington heights is going to be one of those things...

it's like that old cartoon... where there is noise coming from inside of an egg... the chick is trying to get out of the egg... he finally breaks through and says,

"what a paradigm shift."

i just broke out of an egg... let's see what happens.
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i believe in a thing called fate - just listen to the rythym of the wind [01 Mar 2005|02:49am]

I can't describe exactly what I'm feeling right now.  It's at this point that I agree with Irene Fornes when she says that "Words are the Devil."  The Devil.  And a thing unnamed is inherently different than a thing named... but what's a livejournal post if you can't use words.  So here's my attempt to name this thing.

This weekend, I could feel it.  I was falling.  Falling deep.

Not falling in love, that would be too sublime and beautiful.  (And full of agony, but at this point, let's put this that on the shelf).

I was falling into a depression.  You see, I've been sleeping on the couch of Apartment 1D for about a month and a half.  And at first it was fine, at first it was okay.  I hated living out of the suitcase.  I hated being a pain in the ass to the girls when they woke up, but it wasn't too bad.  It was a roof, it was friendly company, it was a place to sleep. 

But the past week or two, it has not been good.  I'll be truthful: it's been awful.  I bemoaned my lack of privacy, I hated being woken up, I detested feeling like a barnacle, sucking the life out of the apartment.  I could feel the venom floating in the air - the annoyance, the disgust, the bitterness - aimed at me.  I don't blame them, but it sucked.  On all accounts, I think all would agree.

And a living situation that was supposed to occur, never occured.  It fell through.  And with my love of avoidance, I avoided and pretended as if all was still technicolor in the land of Oz, when I had slammed back into Black and White.  The clock was ticking... I was supposed to move out in a few days and I had nothing... But as always, I kept lying.  I kept the facade on the outside, and on the inside was a panic.

The worst thing perhaps was its affect on my entire life - school, friends, outlook, everything.  I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to do homework, I didn't want to do anything.  I was sleeping on the couch in all aspects of my life.

And then I saw a post on Craigslist and I responded.  And he responded.  And tonight I went up to look at the place.  And I won't go on and on here, but it was awesome.  I couldn't ask for anything better... well, I could, but where in the hell are you going to get a free Chelsea apartment?  They don't just hand those out as samples at the Food Emporium. 

And after hanging out with Will for a good two hours, smoking a bowl, and chatting about Greece, London, boys, The Amazing Race, acting, parents and siblings, he offered me the place... He said he had shown it to three or four other people, but I was the first one he offered it to.

So as of this weekend, I won't be sleeping on the couch anymore.  I'll have my own bed.  And I won't have to go home with a guy to sleep in it. 

Ahh, the glories of fate and of life and of the snow. 

To top it off, on the walk to the subway, bouncing with glee, I got a call from Julie(who I babysit for) offering me two comp tickets to see her husband, Greg's, show on Broadway - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels - Wed night.  So Megan and I are going to Broadway.  We're going to the theatre.  For free.  (Hey, babe: this is the date I won at the Raffle... or perhaps Date #2?  Since I'm providing the tickets, can I get some?)

I don't want to curse my own good fortunes, but don't things supposedly come in threes?  I got some great homemade lasagna at Michelle's and I'm wondering if that counts as my third good thing... or perhaps the out of the blue IM tonight that put a smile on my face counts?  Or something more? 

Here's to the snow.  Here's to finding an apartment.  Here's to heading on a journey that will have twists and turns.  Here's to Bikram.  Here's to Broadway.  Here's to good friends and even better lovers.  Here's to dreams and to wishes and to fantasies, which pull us along, tantalizing and taunting us with their glory and passion.

Here's to the first LiveJournal post since I've been back in NYC this year. 

I'm back.

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par-tay... i'm going to be the same age frontwards and backwards! [01 Feb 2005|01:26am]
okay... so i'm throwing this out there for all(if there's anyone) who reads this...and lives in new york

going to have a birthday get together on saturday night... save the date...

still thinking of places... any ideas?

fuck, i know there's so fucking much i have to write in here... for myself, and for others... more about break, starting school, yoga, stonestreet and classes, my wild and crazy kids weekend... my new found love of football... all these things...

but it's currently almost 130 and i still have a shit load of work to do... ive already avoided it by coming on here for a bit...

ill keep ya'll updated.
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off and on rain showers continue [10 Jan 2005|01:29am]
i've avoided writing here all break. i don't know why. i mean, nothing huge has happened. ive been working and hanging out with my family, and just enjoying the lowkey, mostly stress free existence.

but today.

today yeah. todays one of the worst days ive had in a very long time. and i just want a hug and its put me in a very foul mood.

ive been on a verge of a breakdown all day, and i guess its good to give in.

i had the worst day at work, i don't want to get into it but it involved two awful tables coupled with my general managers wife teaming up with them and then the entire night shitting on me table after table. i was off in the first 10 minutes and i never even had a chance to get it back. ive never had a worse overall night at chevys since my very first night as a server. fuck you mrs bryan hanson.

and then i come home and again spend a good hour or two looking on craigslist for an apartment and a job, and im freaking out about both. i leave to go back to new york on friday... and i have no where to live and no where to work. im fucking freaking out. i know i can stay with morgan and co, and im definitely going to have to for at least a few days, but i don't want to... but its so fucking.

and on top of that, i don't want to say goodbye to my mom. or to gabe. but especially my mom. i still have a little less than a week with them, but my heart's already breaking and i still have almost a week...

i know im just emotional because of the awful day at work and all that shit, but

this is the last time i will be at home for a prolonged amount of time... godwilling i don't get paralyzed or something... or go bankrupt. and my life isn't perfect here. besides them id have nothing. i know my life is in new york...

but fuck oh mother fuck

why does growing up have to be so fucking hard?
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you never know [11 Dec 2004|03:38am]
between what freud says and what megan says, i never know what's up or what's down...

so confused in life, and in everything else...

i think you are just jealous...

what else can explain it? :)
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too right on to ignore [02 Dec 2004|04:34am]
i don't normally ever post things things on here, but i think it sums it all up quite good:

What do people really think about you?
by Raven319
favorite song
Parents thinkYou're sleeping around
Strangers thinkYou need a makeover
Friends thinkYou need a fuck buddy
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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let the spirit of our african ancestors bless and keep you [01 Dec 2004|04:59am]
If you squint really hard, I bet you can see what I can see:

-a beautiful and handsomely dressed Rufus lulling me into lust and you into joy on the set of Last Call. Wait! He and I make eye contact long enough to realize there's something there. I smile and he winks and af the commercial break he grabs me and you and pulls us back stage. From there, it's a wild night for me. Oh... wait! And you too! No fag hag status for you tonight. Rufus introduces you to his sole straight, hot friend whom you proceed to lick up.

Or is that

-two huge smiles on our faces as we give Michael Bolus our final papers, covered in shit, not the literal kind, the bull kind. Well, it's Michael Bolus, maybe the literal kind. Having turned in those two papers, we've completed the fall semester of our senior year. Who cares about our grades, we only have one semester left til we graduate! Let's go get drunk before I leave tomorrow! Oh, wait. Before we head to the bars, let me go home and finish packing. And let's not get drunk. Perhaps just a beer to toast our completion? I do have a 6 am flight to catch. Wanna go to LGA to see me off? :)

Or could it be

the giggle of excitement as we see our respective mamas greeting us at the airport. we both sigh a breath of relief and look forward to a break from school, a break from the city, and a break from the witches of eastwick. we'll eat lots of good food, open some presents, but mainly we have a great time with our families.

or is it...

us returning to the city in january, refreshed, wide-eyed once again, ready to conquer the city, knowing this semester will be one full of highs and lows, but definitely adventures on the stonestreet safari, the last-ever-semester-of-school-for-life-oh-mi-god freakouts, but more importantly... we each meet a boy. not the same boy(boy, would that be bad), but different boys... mine sings me to sleep and yours... well, he cooks you veggie chicken patties... and i know i don't have to tell you what you do to him to get those protein-packed goodies.

ahh, i like squinting.
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the end of all the games [21 Nov 2004|05:01am]
i have that same wish, every time i go to sleep. but my wish is never granted, not like i ever thought it would be.

but its not, so it goes on and on and on

i wish it was time to say goodbye... but its a long while til then.

thanks be to megan. thanks be to megan. thanks be to megan.

i wouldn't know how to live without her. and im not lying or sucking up. im just sorry for the pressure.

what can i do though... yeah, let's not think about that... let's think about thanksgiving!

and lets hope for the best... options are small, answers are tiny... but questions are huge.
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im trying hard here [19 Nov 2004|09:14pm]
but she annoys the fuck out of me. kill me now.
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blast from the past [18 Nov 2004|04:15am]
okay, so in attempts to sort my life out and see what's going on, ive been rereading my journal entries from a year ago, last fall, and i have to say, i was going through very similar things, but was just i guess a bit busier and more easily fooled... and so many things stood out when i was reading, funny things, sad things, things that made my heart jump and also made it ache... but i really like this entry, and thusly, i am reposting it.

thank you for putting up with my elizabeth taylor tendencies [03 Dec 2003|08:29pm]
[ mood | moody ]
[ music | Rufus Wainwright: Danny Boy ]

At rehearsal today, I started talking with Dan about homosexuality.

Yes, that Dan.

The conversation started because I made another crack at him about not liking gays. He asked me if I really thought he believed that. I paused, attempted to form an answer that was polite and tactful, and said, "Yeah, partly."

We didn't really get to discuss it much because we had to re-enter hell, also known as rehearsal, but we did get to dabble on the surface of the topic. And we are going to talk about it more in-depth sometime. Mabye this week, maybe in London.

But it got me to thinking. About being gay, about coming out, about living in this world where some people think of you as a sinner, as a heathen, as unnatural, as pitiful. And I got to thinking that I've only been out for just over two years. Two years of my life have been lived semi-openly, more open by the day. If feels like a lifetime ago, and still just yesterday. Every day I feel more open about who I am, more comfortable to be able to say I like boys no matter who is in my company. I know that I still have that shame, that shadow hovering over me, that thing that held me back in high school. But it's becoming less. Slowly.

That's one of the reasons that I am in love with Rufus. He's such an inspiration. To be able to say I'm gay, deal with it. I am who I am and fuck you all who think I should conform to someone else's opinions. Fuck the world, fuck those who don't like me. I am who I am, and I am gay. Hear me roar.

I wish I could live with that abandon. I wish I could go to some gay club and dance and meet and kiss boys. I wish I could be gay for real. I wish I could be gay in more than a name. I wish I could do a lot of things. But instead, I'm stuck here. Upset, wanting to cry, wasting away my life watching the OC and reruns of Law and Order SVU. Feeling like no one gets me, including myself. Feeling like I live out of my dream life, feeling like I live in my head, and my head has no vacancies. I want HBO, I want a vibrating bed, I want maid service. I want a cute therapist like Marissa on the OC. I want money. I want no worries about how am I going to pay my bills, how am I going to buy food to eat. I'm going to London and I should be excited and I am, but I am also scared. Scared I won't have money, scared I won't be able to pay my bills. Scared I won't be able to get a loan. Scared I have no one to ask for help.

I freeze my ass off walking through these lonely, dark streets. I live in this fantasy world of walls and pictures of famous people, pretending to be as happy as they pretend to be. I wonder what more do I want? What more do I need? Why can't I feel what I want to feel? Isn't wanting and saying the first step?

I wish I could feel love without limits, without conditions, without feeling I have to dance the waltz and tango around insecurities and pains that overpower me. I wish I could tell my brain to wake up and take life seriously. I'm paying a fortune to attend this school and I've been sucked into this pit that keeps me down, keeps me in bed. I haven't read a single book for my class. What kind of student is that? Yeah, I was lazy in high school, but not like this. I don't take anything seriously? Why is that? I love to learn? I love expanding and sharing my mind. I love books, and I love reading. And yet, I sit in this ooze and I revert to my primordial state.

I puff and puff away, chainsmoking myself to an early death. But is that so bad? What's better about my life right now than death? I'm not suicidal, but let's not kid ourselves. I mope and slop through this life I have right now. I'm not living, and I haven't been for a very long time.

I came out freshman year of college, but I feel as if I've been inching away into some other dark closet ever since. Inching away from desires and love. What have I accomplished? Yeah, I've been in some plays. But let's be honest. I didn't even begin to put an ounce of effort or soul into any of them. I didn't even begin to explore the depths of my humanity through them. Why did I even do them? What's the use in sleepwalking through life? A sham. Yes, I am a sham.

I want more than what I have. I want more than posters on the wall and dirty clothes on the floor. I want to feel as if I'm bursting through these walls, instead of being trapped and swallowed whole. I want to feel as if I go through life dancing and singing in the streets, making people stop, turn their heads and wish they had what I had. I want to skip to the tune of love and march to the beat of joy. I want to be open.

I want to breathe. I want to give in. I want to lose control. When was the last time I lost control? I don't mean getting so pissed I can't walk, I mean giving up control of the operation. Giving in to something else, something that is beyond my power. Something that fills me and allows me to go deeper and longer.

I want to get off the defense. I want to get out from being under attack. I want to love and not have to give it in ounces or tiny, shrink-wrapped packages, but in gobs and buckets. I want to be soaked in a downpour that tingles my skin and slicks back my hair and makes my teeth chatter. I want more than what I have.
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in a city of 8 million plus [18 Nov 2004|03:11am]
why do i feel so lonely?

im so lost right now, lost in everything, locked outside of everything. im sick of it all and im yearning, desperately, for it all. i just want something, anything, to make sense and to make me feel complete. who knows, this might be the usual case of fall you know what that i always seem to get. maybe im also just being stupid and self-indulgent. im being unfair to you and to myself and i don't know what to do. im so sick of being hopeless and bleh. i want something more, i want to be satisfied, i want to be on a journey. maybe i am on a journey, its just a rocky voyage chugging along to some undisclosed location that currently im not aware of. maybe im being stupid and maybe im being smart.

alls i know nothing and everything. im trapped in the life of a paradox.
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it's part of me too [15 Nov 2004|03:55pm]
I remember one of the greatest things that my mom, my brother and I would do when I was younger. We were living in Sioux Falls in our single-wide trailer. And on Thursday nights my mom would go play volleyball in this league. And on the way home from the park, we would drive through the wealthier neighborhoods. And there was one street in particular that we would drive through. And we would drive along, slowly, and look at the houses and dream. I mean, yeah, to those of us that lived in a trailer, any house was nice, but these houses were niiiiice. These houses were built with lots of money and built in the style and finesse that grace the pages of finer Architecture magazines. And we would drive slowly through the neighborhoods picking out which houses were "ours." We would each get a turn. First, my brother, then me, and then my mom. And then we would start all over again. Picking which house we would choose to live in. I remember the balconies and the fountains and the pristine landscaping that the three of us would oogle over. And at the end of the street, we would drive home, content at dreaming, figuring one day, a house like that could be ours.

I thank my mom for giving me the power to dream.
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is this real life? [14 Nov 2004|04:15am]
so it's 4:19 am and due to falling asleep earlier, im wide, wide awake.

and a few things i have been pondering:

where to live next semester? i have to figure that one out in the next few months and its vitally important, but it got me to thinking about a bigger question...

where to live after graduation, and more importantly, what to do after graduation.

after graduation, i guess that's when real life begins. and what's really mother fucking scary is i have no idea what the hell to do. yeah, i say im gonna try to be a real actor or maybe ill dip my toe into politics, but what's really freaky is life after graduation. i mean, take my life right now, for example...

if you take school and school related work out of the equation, what are you left with?

-the internet/tv
-listening to air america and reading
-going out for drinks with friends

not much else!

so if i think im fucking bored with my life right now, wait until i don't have school to hop to and fro from...

now that's scary.

oh, and by the way, ive been all worried about asking my dad for money and i kind of realized tonight that i just have to do it tomorrow. just shut the fuck up and do it. why am i worried? the dude's my father, and thus it's not an unreasonable request. it's not like im calling up some joe schmo. and moreover, what have i got to lose? he has a variety of responses:

-no, im sorry, i don't have any money.
-no, that's so rude, how dare you ask, don't ever talk to me again
-sure, i can't give you that much, but here's what i can give you.
-sure, here you go. keep talking to me like you have been.

so i got nothing to lose. so stop worrying about it and just bite the motherfucking bullet.

im going home in a month or so to speak and im so brillantly excited about it. im definitely ready for this semester to be over. im ready for a change and a break and a connection to the things my heart needs.

i can't take living here anymore and i need to get through the next month and then let it go. i just wonder about the after-effects of the fall of the berlin wall. they survived that didn't they?
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